For many people approaching the end of their life, being able to remain at home is enormously important. Familiar surroundings, their own bed, the people they love nearby – and none of the clinical atmosphere of a hospital.
For the family caring for them, it can be both a privilege and a challenge. There may have been weeks or months of appointments, medication, interrupted sleep and visits from nurses or a palliative care team. But there can also be something very special about having that final time together and being able to care for someone who may once have cared for you.
And then comes the moment when they die.
Even when a death is entirely expected, most people have never experienced this before. Knowing that someone is going to die doesn’t necessarily prepare you for the reality of the moment.
One of the most important things we tell families is: you don’t need to rush.
The first few hours can be very quiet
An expected death at home can be remarkably peaceful.
Sometimes a nurse or another healthcare professional is already there. More often, family members are alone with the person who has died and suddenly find themselves wondering what they are supposed to do next.
There are practical steps that need to happen, beginning with a healthcare professional formally verifying the death. But they do not all need to happen at once.
If you want to sit for a while, you can.
You might want to make a cup of tea, telephone a son or daughter, sit beside the bed, play some music or simply have some quiet time together. Other close family members may want the opportunity to come and say goodbye before the person is brought into the funeral director’s care.
There is no requirement for a funeral director to arrive the moment someone dies.
Our separate guide, What to do when someone dies at home, explains the practical steps in detail, including verification of death and what happens if a death is sudden or unexpected.
When you’re ready to call the funeral director
For an expected death, once a healthcare professional has verified that death has occurred, the funeral director can bring the person who has died into their care.
You can actually call us before verification has taken place if you would find it reassuring to speak to someone or to start thinking about timings. We simply cannot move the person until their death has been formally verified.
Our telephone line is answered 24 hours a day, including weekends and bank holidays, on 020 3281 1045.
When families telephone us, one of the things we try to establish is what they would like to happen.
Some want us to come as soon as we can. Others tell us that a family member is travelling to the house and they would like another couple of hours together. Occasionally, particularly when someone dies during the night, a family would prefer us to come in the morning.
All of those choices are perfectly understandable.
We will talk it through with you and agree a suitable time.
What happens when we arrive?
This is understandably something families sometimes worry about.
When our team arrives at your home, there will normally be two people in a discreet vehicle. They will introduce themselves, quietly assess the layout of the property and explain what they need to do.
Moving someone from a home can require specialist equipment, particularly where there are stairs or restricted access, but our aim is always to make the process feel as calm and unobtrusive as possible.
Some families prefer to go into another room while we bring their relative into our care. Others want to stay.
Either is absolutely fine.
You may want to say a final goodbye at the front door. You might prefer your last memory to be of them peacefully in their bed. There is no correct way to approach it.
Our team will take their time and treat the person who has died with dignity and gentleness throughout.
Where do they go?
Your family member will be brought directly into our care at our private, modern mortuary.
Our mortuary is deliberately a clinical environment rather than somewhere families visit. Behind the scenes, it allows us to care for people to a very high standard using modern refrigeration and environmentally responsible hygiene procedures.
We do not use invasive procedures such as embalming.
For us, good mortuary care should be something families rarely need to think about. It is simply our responsibility to look after the person entrusted to us with dignity and respect until the funeral takes place.
If a family would subsequently like to spend private time with the person who has died, we can discuss arrangements separately. Rather than having a traditional chapel of rest attached to our offices, we can arrange a peaceful private setting at a local church chapel when required.
And then, you can stop
This is perhaps the part of the process that isn’t said often enough.
Once your family member is safely in our care, you don’t have to start arranging the funeral immediately.
If you have been caring for someone at home, you may be physically and emotionally exhausted. The house may suddenly feel extraordinarily quiet. You may have relatives to telephone or simply need some sleep.
The funeral arrangements can wait.
We will send you some straightforward information explaining the first things that will need your attention when you are ready. We will also guide you through the medical and registration process, which takes place separately.
You don’t need to remember everything somebody tells you on that first telephone call.
Planning the funeral at your pace
Once you feel ready, we can start talking about the funeral.
Some families already know exactly what the person wanted. Others have absolutely no idea – and sometimes different members of the family have different thoughts about what would feel right.
That’s normal.
Our role isn’t to present you with a standard funeral package and expect you to fit into it. We can explain the different possibilities, what each one costs and where there may be opportunities to do things differently.
You can meet us at our Twickenham or Surbiton premises, or arrangements can be made by telephone, email or video call if that is easier.
We also create a private family WhatsApp group, which many families find particularly useful. It means that questions don’t have to wait for a formal meeting or telephone call – if something occurs to you, you can simply ask us.
You don’t have to know what to do
Most people will only arrange a funeral once or twice in their lifetime. There is no reason you should already know how any of this works.
When someone dies at home, particularly if you have spent days or weeks caring for them, the thought of suddenly having to navigate medical processes, registration and funeral arrangements can feel overwhelming.
That’s where a good funeral director should make things easier.
We can tell you what needs doing now, what can wait until tomorrow and what you don’t need to worry about at all.
If someone you love is receiving end-of-life care at home, you are also very welcome to speak to us before they die. There is no obligation to make arrangements or decisions. Sometimes simply understanding what will happen when the time comes makes it feel a little less daunting.
And when that time does come, one telephone call is enough to get started. Just call our friendly team on 020 3281 1045.
For the practical steps following a death at home, read our detailed guide: What to do when someone dies at home.
